| thursday` |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|08:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ugh; whatthehell. | ] |
how do you suceed in life?
what are you suppose to suceed at?
study hard to get a good job
work hard to get paid a good salary
thats the courses we have to take in life.
well thats manmade at least.
but how do you suceed in life;
not physically but emotionally?
is there some sort of thought you just have to `get` ?
screw that.
gosh, i feel so weird.
ive lost so many friends...
mostly all due to my lack of uhm, friendship?
school is school.
i pierced a hole in one of my tshirts...
cause i was curious to see if my hole puncher
can well, punch through cloth.
the result?
a hole.
ha.
i feel so unemotional.
ugh. i need a crush. someone i can like.
so life would be better. .__.';;
ha, hows that for...stupidity...
and dependable-ity? --;
kekeke.
sigh.
<3 |
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| monday` |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|09:27 pm] |
when i read my old entries as i deleted them, i felt stupid. love? what the fuck is love. im 13. was 12 then. the hell id know anything about love. its more like lust, the wanting of being with someone. and of course theres the hormones too. sometimes id talk so philosophy-ishly but cmon, thats plain bullshit. out of the 13 years of my life, only 7 years ive been in america, only 4 years i have been thinking for myself, only 1 year (and a half?) since ive had my first boyfriend. life is shit and we all know it. theres the good time, theres the bad. so im deciding today, right now. im not going to care anymore.
ive said it before, and i will say it again. im just not going to care. well obviously, i will care but its hard to explain. fuck society, i`ll care about the things i WANT to care about, not the things im SUPPOSE to care about. no more faking, even if its to make the other person feel better. maybe im over exaggerating here. i cant be an angel. its just how im thinking, this spur of the moment feeling.
i feel much better now, before i felt like i was going to vomit. schools starting in a couple of days. nothing excites me anymore...not like my usual obsessions. boys? uhm..no. maple? boooooring. anime? ran out of good ones. manga? finished naruto manga in 2 days. read gravitation and fake in bits and pieces. spent an hour looking for scanlation sites (and failed). hmm, so whast left? i guess i have completely devoted myself to schoolwork -- i`ll be attending mega both sat and sun. which thankfully leaves me no room for any obsession. not that i care as if right now. 8th grades going to be a pain in the ass -- i can tell.
i thought about suicide. im definately not emo and depressed, thankfully, so dont worry (or get your hopes up). im fucking afraid of it, but its just that one moment right? its so easy to commit suicide too. step off the platform when the trains coming. use your own goddamn kitchen knife... hey why dont the government set up a place where people kill you for money? it`ll do some good for the overflowing population...and the people who wants to kill themselves. but suicides an act of cowardness isnt it? lifes a shit and you know it, so might as well commit suicide and avoid it huh? i dont know what im even thinking, im just typing up my train of thoughts.
speaking of my train of thoughts, who the hell am i typing for right now? am i going to show anyone this. actually would anyone actually care to read all of this? after all, im just another girl -- and thats something we dont need (we have enough of girls, pmsing, and all that in this world). im not different from anyone else, but in a way, of course i am. no ones the same. no one can replace me but then again..whats there to be replaced of? thats the problem with this world. no one can answer the real thing, so theyre fake. i dont even know what im talking about anymore...
who are my friends? what the fuck is a friend? i have them, lots of them, who are "always there for me" -- and whys that? climbing up the ladder of society? or do they "care" about me? they dont know who i am, the real me (but i dont either, so i guess thats okay) but they care..? maybe im being a little too one-sided in this. if i feel like this, they probably do too right? so everyones just lost. and the lost people join together. created words like friends. give someone a shoulder to cry on. doing little favors for favors in return. i can say i can live without friends but then i`ll be mental or some emo kid. i mean..what the fuck am i saying. i think im high or something. i do need my friends. or at least the some of them that are actually REAL and not a social climber.
i feel so good exhaling all of that. i just dont know anymore. im not depressed, im not emotion-less...im just me. (that should definately be a new emotion) but then again, im NOT me. i feel like im typing this in third person when im not. what is the real me? my thoughts? i dont know. i dont know. i dont feel complete, but i dont need anything/anyone. i guess im just missing the will to live? nah, if i was, id be dead by now...actually...i dont know. i might be missing just that. when i was with raymond/another boyfriend or a crush or whatever, i feel like i was on cloud nine. now...im not sad, definately not. im just bland. plain. me. i dont have a goal in life. i just live it because i have to. if i was a character in a book, i wouldnt be the main one. the main one always have SOME sort of goal in life.
ha. i guess i still havent changed. my old motto was "go with the flow" and i still follow it. i dont know whats going to happen and partly, i dont care. maybe i lie, i dont know. i know i`ll be sad, i know i`ll be happy. but i dont know when or where or why. but its ok. its ok. cause its life. and im just 13. im just me. i feel like im reassuring myself for some reason. its nice to type out exactly what im thinking. i dont know how long i`ll be typing for no reason. but it feels good to do...
i hope i would never be as crazy as i was with raymond anymore. looking back, reading my old entries...it just sort of makes me sick. albert was right, i was 12, its not like i was going to marry him. its just a relationship of fun, no need to take it so seriously. i wanna shut myself from the world of society (but summer break did already..though i was it was longer). my worst enemy has to be hormones...i cant even risk myself thinking sometimes...or else i`d get depressed and emo and stuff. god i cant even control myself, my emotions... but thats normal isnt it?
forgive me, this entry isnt swan-like at all, is it?
maybe its just the time...
maybe its just the hormones...
maybe its just life.
but what the hell.
i do use the phrase "i love you" way too easily
maybe its time to change myself
a little at a time, you know?
into someone that wont enjoy life by depending on others...
depending on others to feed me love.
cause thats just sick. |
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